If you know someone who has gone, or is going through, a miscarriage, then you have an opportunity to perform an awesome act of kindness. A woman who miscarries suffers a tragic, poorly understood loss. She needs support, from those she chooses to reveal her loss to. Problematically, people seldom know what to say or what to do. I believe this is due to two main reasons:
- Lack of knowledge and understanding about the emotional impact of miscarriage
- A fundamental discomfort in empathizing
Problem one can be rectified to some degree through research, scientific and anecdotal. The most important thing to know, is that the pain of miscarriage is intense and real. One who has not first handedly experienced pregnancy loss probably can’t understand how much miscarriage hurts. It doesn’t sound that bad. How much can you connect with a little blob you’ve never actually met anyway? The answer is: a lot. Losing that sweet little blob, is losing a soul, losing your child, losing all dreams and hopes you had for that child and your life together.
Problem two may take longer to address. In general, when a friend shares a problem with us, we want their pain to disappear. We don’t want to make room for it, to let it be, because it’s quite uncomfortable to feel pain. But feeling another’s pain, letting another express their pain, without trying to put it out, is a precious gift.
Here is my Top 5 list of things not to say when someone tells you they’ve experienced miscarriage.
- Everything happens for a reason.
As a G-d fearing individual, I believe this is true. But, this is the wrong thing to say to a grieving person. When you say this, you are are telling the woman you have no conception of what she’s going through, because if you did, you wouldn’t dare say something so insensitive.
2. You’ll have more kids!
This is the wrong thing to say for two reasons. Firstly, you are not a prophet, and you have no idea if your friend will have more children. Trying to be encouraging is not appropriate at this time.
The next thing to understand here is that more kids is not a replacement for her loss, just as any children she already has are not a replacement for her loss. It’s true that her live children or future children will be a source of joy, a part of life that is beautiful and spectacular. But those children cannot replace the child she lost. They cannot make her forget the child that will never be.
3. You’ll get over it.
Oh my is this the wrong thing to say! It’s true that with time, hopefully her pain will diminish. But it will never go away. And she will never “get over it.” This statement demonstrates a lack of willingness to empathize, a desire for the woman to cease hurting, which unfortunately is not realistic.
4. Maybe it’s because…
I was offered the explanation that I lifted something heavy. I in fact had been meticulously careful in avoiding carrying heavy things. A woman who suffered a miscarriage does not need any fingers pointed, does not need any more reasons to blame herself. Her baby is gone, and unless you are a specialist in miscarriages, trying to figure out why, will not help.
5. Why don’t you just adopt?
Adoption is such a beautiful thing. And I truly believe an adopted child is just as much your child as a biological child. But it’s not a replacement for having your own biological children. Additionally, adoption is hard, emotionally and logistically. Again, this statement shows a desire to fix your friend’s pain. Which isn’t your job. No one is calling upon you to do it, which is good, because you can’t.
Gratefully Thriving 